Forgiving When We Don’t Want To

I’m sure we have all been there at one time or another. Someone has hurt, angered or insulted us and we find it difficult if not impossible to get it out of our minds. We find ourselves playing the scenario over and over again and are constantly desiring closure or simply peace about the matter. We want the person who hurt us to acknowledge what they did; we want them to apologize, even pay a price for their transgressions against us. We want vindication! We want them to hurt like they hurt us, but would that really ease our pain? Would their punishment heal our broken hearts?

The Heartbreak

I went through a particularly difficult heartbreak several years ago. I was cut to the core, being completely deceived and told that somehow it was my fault for it happening. The resulting anguish led me to run over 1000 miles away so I wouldn’t have to be constantly reminded of what was. I thought running away, putting distance between myself and the situation would make it easier to forget. I didn’t even want to think about forgiveness. Although putting distance between myself and the person who hurt me resulted in less exposure to painful reminders, it did little to help my broken heart. This led me to seek other ways to soothe my sorrow

Rushing Through Grief

I tried to rush through all stages of grief, attempting somehow to get to a place of comfort. I denied the facts I had been forced to face; I embraced anger; I tried to bargain with the person, attempting to change the circumstances and turn back time, none of which brought me any peace and comfort I longed for.

My sorrow accompanied me into all my other relationships. I was guarded, suspicious and easily wounded. I let the person who hurt me change me. I didn’t trust myself or anyone else for that matter. I needed to get to the final stage of grief, acceptance, but that meant doing the one thing that I resisted completely. The path to acceptance was forgiveness.

I didn’t want to forgive. I had an emotional attachment to my pain and sorrow and by letting that go, I felt like I wasn’t valuing my own feelings. After all, I was given no apology, no efforts to comfort me and make it right. Why then should I forgive? Wasn’t it his job to beg my forgiveness for hurting me?

The Forgiveness Journey

Forgiveness is not condoning or excusing the behavior of another person. Forgiveness isn’t primarily for the one who hurt you. It also doesn’t require anything from the person who hurt you. It is acknowledging the hurt, accepting the reality of it, but refusing to be a victim of it. It is loving yourself enough that you free yourself from bondage to grief. It is healing, liberating and releasing pains grip. There was no room to wallow in self-pity or anger. I didn’t want to be a victim, I wanted to be a victor! I resisted forgiving because it felt so unfair. It felt like the other person got “away with it”. The very first thing I had to do was to admit I was powerless to forgive on my own. I had no desire or strength to forgive. My heart was like hardened soil that needed to be turned over so that it was prepared and ready for new seed to be planted. I had to ask God to make me willing to forgive. The more I fought against being willing to forgive, the more painful the hurt I suffered. I lived in a perpetual state of sorrow, and I knew deep down that God did not delight in my suffering. His Word ministered to my heartache.

“For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone”.  Lamentations 3:33.

God didn’t want me to suffer, so He gave me a way out. He gave me the desire to forgive.

Acceptance as a New Path

With this newfound desire came acceptance of the pain I experienced and being able to remember it without being tormented by it. I was no longer being held captive by the painful memories. I could now think about the circumstance without being affected by it. I was free. I still have not received an apology or acknowledgement of my pain, but I don’t need it nor expect it. I forgave with literally no effort on my part, I simply was able to feel a peace, with no longer any pain or desire for vindication. My heart was healed, as if I had never been hurt in the first place.

Unexpected Bonus – A Newfound Love

Forgiveness led to another emotion that was completely unexpected. I felt genuine love for the person who hurt me. This love wasn’t like the love I had before, the kind that loved in the human form. The relationship would never again be what it was before the hurt. I had loved him and that love brought heartbreak. This new love was not born out of emotion or familiarity. This new love was deeper, a love that understood that people let us down, hurt us, and an understanding that what he did wasn’t who he was. My heart recognized what God saw in him. God loved him and called me to love him too. I never expected to love the one that hurt me. But God loved him through me. Our relationship changed but genuine agape, hesed love took its place.

What About You?

I am sorry that you have been hurt, and acknowledge that some hurts are very complex and need professional attention. We are not called to live in an abusive or harmful situation and I am not addressing those situations here. How do you view your heartbreak in light of God’s plan to free you from the pain? How has your heartbreak changed your relationship with yourself, others, and ultimately, God? Do you find yourself harboring pain or anger about a past hurt?

Ask God to give you a willingness to forgive. He will do more than you can imagine. Not only will He make you willing to forgive, He will rescue your heart from the pain. And He will help you love as He loves.

In Christ.

Sandy